In which I learn that I am not invincible

"Some people learn by reading books, some people learn by observing others, and some people need to piss on an electric fence themselves." I don't remember where I heard this gem of wisdom, but now I know that when it comes to burning myself out, I belong to the third category.

I blogged earlier in the autumn about having taken on too much work, so much so that it was interfering not only with my blogging but also nearly eliminated my social life. The result was that in mid-November, I cracked under the pressure and had to get off the wheel. In other words, I hit a wall full-speed, had a minor breakdown, and it was a very unpleasant experience. Why am I blogging about it? There are several reasons, but the primary reason is that I didn't think this would happen to me. And there are things I learned by doing this to myself that I now wish someone had told me about earlier.

So if you are, like me, (a grad student) convinced of your own invincibility, read on. I wrote this to increase your chances of learning by reading, rather than... you know.

1. Why do I think a stress-induced breakdown will not happen to me?

Because people tend to not talk about it. I have talked to four people in my cohort about this - and two of them have had the same experience, one of them while in this programme. I had no idea. I have also been less than forthcoming about this (until this blog post, I guess). In short, having stress-induced breakdowns is not something that is shouted from the rooftops when it happens. When you don't see people around you having breakdowns it is easy to presume they don't happen, but this is not true. The larger issue here is how to get people to be more open about it when it happens, but the more immediate issue for you is: it happens, and you are not immune.

For those who have had something like this happen, the silence means it is easy to beat yourself up about it: "Why am I the only one who can't handle it?" You're not the only one - relax. Also, remember the oh-so-cheesy but true Baz Luhrmann lyric: "Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end it is only with yourself."

2. Why might it happen to me even though I don't think it will?

Grad schools (and many other places) are, by a near-inerrant self-selection mechanism, full of people who are really good at pushing themselves to work hard and give their projects everything they can. People who push themselves hard but have never hit the limit are likely to keep pushing until they hit that limit.

This is exactly what happened to me - I kept taking on more commitments because I always felt that if I just worked a little bit harder, were a little bit more focused, used my time more efficiently, I would get more done. Also, those stories about people working too hard? Clearly, they must be crazy. I'm not crazy, I'm just hardworking. And I can push myself a little bit harder this term.

This line of thought didn't work out very well. If you are an over-achiever at heart (no matter what you're working to achieve), the obvious tendency will be to keep trying until you find your limits. I would suggest being mindful of the limits before you cross them.

3. How do I know I am approaching my limit?

This is where I feel the need to attach an "I am not a doctor" disclaimer. There are many people out there who are qualified to tell you what a burnout looks like, and whether you may be headed for one, and I am not one of them. What I can do, however, is tell you what I should have paid attention to. (Don't we all love hindsight?)

The symptoms were the usual suspects: high levels of stress were followed by occasional insomnia, high irritability, then emotionality and tearing up at minor annoyances. I gradually became more engulfed in work and stress and started cutting out weekends off, time out with friends and other keep-me-sane mechanisms that I had usually been very good at keeping in place. When my irritability and emotionality got so severe that I couldn't finish a homework without crying and felt as though my personality was actually changing (for the worse), I knew I had to stop. However, at this point I already needed a week in bed (with fever) followed by a much-needed Thanksgiving break in order to just patch myself together again. I probably won't be back on full speed until after Christmas. (I do know that in the grand scheme of things this is a relatively small burnout, but it is an unpleasant experience nonetheless.) Next time, I will know to keep an eye on myself for any sleep problems, snapping at friends, being emotional for no reason and feeling like I can't afford to take time off.

For you, the signs may be different - but if you get the feeling that you can't keep your current pace up, you're probably right. Go talk to someone. I had a great experience - everyone I spoke to in order to drop a course, renegotiate deadlines and figure out where to go next was incredibly understanding and supportive. (Given everyone's non-shock at my having overloaded myself, this clearly happens much more than I thought - back to point 1.) Even if the experience hadn't been this supportive, however, it would have been worth it. Your mental health comes first.

And if you really can't shake the compulsion to work even more, think of it this way: you'll need that brain to finish the dissertation. So take care of it - even when taking care of it involves regular nights in with hot chocolate and anything but work.